March 15, 2025

No Lofty Peak, Nor Fortress Bold

Image source: https://sites.psu.edu/passion2blog/2018/01/25/dry-tortugas/
 

At the end of February 2025 had my first trip to the Dry Tortugas in the Florida Keys, for three nights of relatively primitive camping. After several false starts I'd managed to snag a reservation less than two months out, an unusual occurrence since camper tickets for the boat are made of unobtainium. There is a wealth of information on this trip out there if you’re interested (and I highly recommend it!) so I won’t repeat much of that here.

Since I was going to be offline, I kept notes on my phone and turned them into this journal. It's pretty spartan, with few or no poetic excesses or philosophical epiphanies. Just a chronicle of what I saw and did.

Excepting the aerial image above, all photography and writing here is my work. There are links to photo albums after each section, containing all the photos in this post as well as many more, with plentiful captions. I hope you'll take the time to check them out!

So here’s how it went:

Leg 1: to Key West

Friday

I left Tallahassee on Friday AM and ran into really bad backups around Orlando (turnpike construction), but made it to my overnight stop in West Palm Beach at a reasonable hour. Stayed at the Pioneer Inn, a clean spot handy to dining options and bookmarked for future reference. Grabbed dinner and then rested up for the next leg.

Saturday


The day began with smooth sailing into the upper Keys, with a good lunch at The Fish House in Key Largo, where I had some tasty conch chowder. Then dismay as I hit a wall of traffic just below Tavernier Creek. Turned out there was a monster flea market in Islamorada, backing up traffic for miles in both directions as pedestrians crossed US1. Since much of the Keys highway is just two lanes in and out, you just have to make room for these things.


Still made it to the Blue Marlin in Key West at a reasonable hour. This is an old Mom & Pop-style motel near the Southernmost Point, with a pool and cool retro neon signage. The desk clerk was a hoot, warning me to take earplugs to Tortugas because the hermit crabs climb all over your tent at night (so she said she had heard). 

I checked out the bodega next door, but was already pretty well stocked up for the trip. I then took a leisurely stroll up to the Green Parrot—an old fave—but it was a zoo there (Saturday afternoon in high season) so I wandered over to Blue Heaven and got a seat at the bar for a light dinner and a fiery margarita. I then tried out The Rum Bar on Duval and will be returning there—great selections, mellow porch vibe, and a fat bar cat named Captain Morgan. Swung by the little waterfront at the foot of Duval before hitting the sack.

Sunday


I had a leisurely breakfast at Frenchie’s cafe, then a very relaxing visit to the butterfly conservatory. Reasonably priced and worth an hour of your time. After checking out the tourist crowd at the Southernmost Point, I walked over to check out tiny Gato Village pocket park and then had a late lunch / early dinner at el Siboney, a neighborhood Cuban restaurant and go-to spot for me in KW. Turned in early and slept pretty well.

See all photos from Leg 1


Leg 2: Dry Tortugas

Monday

Woke up about 5 AM and after loading the car, I had to track down the Blue Marlin night manager to check out. He was in the parking lot, shining a flashlight in the face of what appeared to be someone illicitly car camping there. I drove the quiet streets over to the ferry dock (I love Key West in the quiet hours), where another solo camper was just unloading her gear from an Uber. This was Michelle from Estero (and Chicago), who said she had camped there several times but this was her first solo trip.

I unloaded my gear and asked her to watch it while I parked the car in the city garage. By the time I had done so, she had shifted all my stuff over to the inspection area. Michelle was friendly and helpful the whole trip and I tried to return the favor but think I got the better deal. I told her later she was my good luck charm for my first trip—it was great to have an “old pro” and an avid chef in the next campsite!

Another couple arrived at the dock shortly, from Houston for their first trip. We turned out to be the only campers headed out that day. We got to know each other while waiting for the captain, who inspected our gear and cleared us for loading. They have carts and a ramp up to the boat, where the crew hauls it aboard and stows it on the aft deck.

That done, I dashed over to Cuban Coffee Queen nearby for a hearty breakfast sandwich and an Americano—which was a perfect way to grub up for the ride over. It started to rain (as predicted) as I was walking over. When I returned to the dock, I checked in upstairs and found the other campers in the waiting area with the day-trippers. The waiting room reminded me of ferry waiting rooms in Turku and Helsinki, amusingly enough.

A young Japanese couple—daytrippers—struggled with a screaming child and I was glad they were on the other side of the terminal. The boarding announcements were marred by a bad microphone connection but we eventually figured it out and got on board. I joined Michelle at her seat and who sat across from us but the couple with the (formerly) screaming child? They were actually quite pleasant and their toddler was well behaved.


So we got underway, the view poor because of the rain, and the sea gradually growing rougher once we passed the Marquesas. Although I never get motion sickness, I played it safe by wearing acupressure wrist bands and taking Dramamine.

All was well until about an hour and a half into the 2.5 hour trip. At this point visibility was just a few hundred yards, max, and rain was sluicing down the windows. Green ocean water and grey sky, with waves trending towards the predicted 4-6 feet. Suddenly a loud vibration came from aft and after a moment the motors were throttled back to idle. 

We sat there for a moment, passengers looking at each other. Then the props ran in reverse for a sec and I started to have a guess at the issue. Within a few moments we were back underway. A crewman confirmed they had likely wrapped a lobster trap line around the prop shaft, and he told me he was relieved they’d managed to shake it loose because plan B involved him suiting up and going over the side for repairs [shudder].

We then proceeded without further mechanical incident. Started seeing terns flying through the storm as we neared the fort, which suddenly appeared out of the grey mist: a giant brick structure seeming to float on the surface of the sea, looking mysterious and almost ominous in the stormy weather. Echoes of the Sublime (q.v.).

After docking, the daytrippers trudged off toward the fort while we campers received a final briefing and the crew offloaded our gear. It was literally raining sideways as we disembarked onto the dock. The gear had been placed under a dock structure and we just kind of hung out there for a few, a bit stunned, talking to some other drenched campers (a quirky but friendly group of ham radio operators).

The rain and wind showed no sign of letting up, so after a while I shrugged, zipped up my trusty Eddie Bauer rain parka (as the Norwegians say, det finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær), loaded up one of the carts, and trudged off through the rain and puddles toward the camping area. I found a spot nestled back among the trees (mostly very gnarled buttonwood and some seagrapes) and out of the wind, and by the time I’d made two more soggy trips back to the dock the rain started to let up, a welcome relief that allowed me to get the tent set up without soaking everything.


First impressions: windy, gloomy gray skies with low clouds scudding above the dark and foreboding (but beautifully crafted) brick fortress. Dozens of large frigate birds sailing the updraft on the windward side of the fort. A sandy spit, Bush Key, occupied by hundreds of sooty terns, wheeling and crying all day and all night every day I was there. Brazen catbirds asking me what I was doing in their woods. The storied land hermit crabs looking as miserable in the rain as the rest of us.

As I said: The Sublime.

The weather unexpectedly improved Monday afternoon and some of the day-trippers went snorkeling. It looked way too churned up for me, so I just tweaked up the campsite (more rain was to be expected) and took a nice afternoon snooze, listening to the surf and the tern colony.


Late in the afternoon, after the boat left with the day-trippers, we had the rather soggy island to ourselves—just a half dozen campers and as many park staff, with a few sailboats and cruisers anchored in the harbor. A line of mild thunderstorms came through; when they were gone I strolled the moat wall, where I saw one scorpion drowned in rainwater. You could hear the generator running in the fort and occasional black smoke belched from a small chimney on the far wall. They’ve installed apartments for staff in that part of the fort and I saw some very pleasant little sunset-watching balconies set up in the incomplete embrasures on the west side. 

As I was walking back on the moat wall a rainbow appeared over the harbor. A nice omen.


I peeked inside the fort briefly, the grounds covered with puddles that were gone in an hour or so. There were a few tarpon passing under the moat bridge as I walked back out. Sunset was bland and gray, so I wandered back to the tent and rustled up some grub (I ate cold food for the most part and it was quite sufficient), then listened to the chatty ham operators, the gentle surf, and the incessant* terns before drifting off and sleeping comfortably on a cot with a small self-inflating mattress.

*Every now and then they would pause for a half second then crank right back up. Interesting article about the topic: https://www.jstor.org/stable/1522295.

See all photos from Monday


Tuesday


I quickly learned that the 9am-ish daily arrival of the seaplanes made a good wakeup call. Before making breakfast, I decided to move to a more open campsite. The weather had improved greatly—we had no more rain or high wind the rest of the trip. So by then my wind-sheltered site was too far back in the trees and a bit of a pain to get to. I shifted to a nice open spot with afternoon shade—perhaps the best campsite there (at left in the pic below).


I made sure not to set the tent up on top of any wandering hermits. One had “Big Bertha 2025” marked in sharpie on its shell. I wondered how many different crabs had occupied that shell since it was marked. (As an aside, I was mystified at how ignorant so many people seemed to be about these crabs, based on the comments I heard. I’ve been following hermit crabs around all my life, it seems, so they are as familiar to me as anoles and mockingbirds.)

As I was finishing up the campsite move, Michelle came over and offered me a sausage patty, which was an excellent add-on to the yogurt and granola bar repast I’d planned. I heated up some water on the little Esbit-style folding stove (it uses solid fuel tablets) and made some quite passable instant coffee.

When the ferry arrived, a family with four energetic kids almost set up right in front of me (horrors) though they eventually found a site closer to the beach. These folks and several others only came out to camp one night and all seemed to wish they’d stayed longer.

I chatted with a few day-trippers as they strolled past on the way to the beach. More than one asked, “Are you camping?” ("Capital deduction, Holmes!") Most seemed impressed with the idea; I got “wow” looks most places the subject of camping DT came up while I was in the Keys.

With all the other, likely slower bait in the water for the day, it seemed a good time to give snorkeling a try. But it was still too kicked up, like swimming in blue milk. Vis under 3’. I made the mistake of exiting the water on the east side of the coal docks where it’s all rocks and rubble. I was wishing for my booties and strap fins.


I cleaned up and wandered over to the boat for a nice freshwater rinse and a bag of ice for the cooler. Made a snacky lunch, shot a few photos (crab macros, a tame-ish kestrel under the trees, chatty kingfisher at the docks), and had a rum drink. Commented on a guy’s JJ Grey shirt and we chatted about Palatka. Talked to the ranger who looks like a skinny Santa Claus and he said the campground is “underutilized” (the choke point is the ferry, max 10 campers per day).


After a short snooze I wandered out Bush Key. It's basically a peninsula contiguous with Garden Key. They used to close it when the terns were nesting but now they have markers up so you can walk the beach without getting too close to the colony. The birds were curious but seemed no more or less noisily active when I walked by with the camera.


The beach “sand” there is like a lot of what you see in the Keys: crushed shell and coral fragments, hard to walk on barefoot and almost as bad with open shoes, since bits of sharp shell tend to get under the softest parts of your feet. Again missing my dive booties. 

Past the bulk of the bird colony there were some tourist-created found-art displays of conch shells and other jetsam, including a few bits of brick and coal. Prickly pears do well out here. At the end of the key there is a narrow water gap to Long Key (off limits to humans), which is mostly submerged but has a few mangroves. This is where all the soaring frigate birds above the fort Monday came from: today they covered the mangroves and floated lazily above them. I saw several males perched with their large scarlet chest pouches inflated—first time I’ve seen those in person.


I ambled back past the terns to Garden Key, watching the last seaplane depart. Walked up the east side of the fort toward the north coaling docks area. Lots of collected rubble here and a fenced-in area for boats and other equipment. I stood there a while watching the waves splash over the counterscarp (moat wall). The late sun streaming through the embrasures was lovely.


There were more fish in the moat, mostly snappers, I think, and a bunch of dive-bombing barn swallows swooping around the bridge. Over at the south beach, a few campers had gathered to watch a lovely sunset. One of the rangers brings his dog down here to play in the water and fetch every evening. 

The campers with young children were there, and the youngest boy (about 8) came over and asked if I wanted some pirate treasure: they’d brought a bunch of those “coins” made of chocolate and covered with gold foil. I thanked him for his generosity and remarked that actual, real chocolate pirate treasure was my favorite kind.


Michelle once again offered me food but I declined and had another charcuterie dinner (ham spread, triscuits, and gruyere cheese goes a long way).

Tried some night photos before bed but an overcast rolled in so I called it a night.

See all photos from Tuesday


Wednesday

Awakened by the seaplane alarm clock, I got up and heated water for coffee. Had some yogurt and then heated up more water to try out the dehydrated scrambled egg and bacon mix I brought. Surprisingly easy and at least as tasty as what you’d get off a buffet. I poured out the remaining liquid on the ground and was treated to the Hermit Crab Zombie Apocalypse as they came crawling out of the trees.


I decided to take the formal fort tour today so after the boat arrived I ambled over and joined the waiting crowd. Our tourguide was the locally famous “Hollywood,” an amusing and very energetic guy who could be a cousin of Jeff Spicoli. After advising us to lower our expectations so he’d sound better, he gave us a thorough grounding in island history, from Ponce de Leon forward. Really good explanations of the strategic value of Garden Key as a deep water harbor along shipping lanes. (And plenty of humor. He led that off with the rhetorical question, “So what were they smoking?” before explaining the strategic value.) 

Fort cannon could be trained on the same spot up to two miles away, and were supported by a special heavy stone material as granite or slate would've been insufficient. The structure was designed to collect water on the roof that would flow into cisterns, but settling and cracks made that system unusable. You can still see water dripping from the roof and, in some cases, forming stalactites and stalagmites from the leached lime mortar. A very atmospheric effect.


(Another Hollywood gem when talking about living conditions at the fort: “We all know Army chow sucks—but not Air Force.”) I was especially interested in the “dogtooth” brick around the unfinished casements and the Totten shutters that were designed to blow open just ahead of a fired cannonball then immediately snap shut after to protect gunners from return fire. Hollywood told a fascinating story of the one bit of “hostile action” that took place at the fort when a bluffing Union commander ran off a CSA sloop that was attempting to take possession. 

Dr. Mudd’s old cell had an inch of rainwater on the floor; more dripped from the ceiling, providing an echoing and haunting counterpart to the crying terns outside. Hollywood gave a pretty inspiring little peroration on the roof at the end of the tour, making a not-too-subtle reference to the things that (his words) truly make a country great. Hint: it’s not bluster and cruelty.


I picked up some more ice on the way back to the campsite then geared up for a bit of snorkeling since the wind had died down and the water was looking considerably clearer. The old metal piling labyrinth at the south coaling dock ruins is a great muck dive. Not hard to avoid the encrusted pilings and plenty of tropicals flitting around. If there is a heaven for me, it will be snorkeling in salt water. (Link to snorkeling photos.)

As I came out and walked up the beach I saw the other members of our soggy boat ride: Shelly and Brett from Houston. Brett’s a diver; they asked about conditions and I gave a big thumbs up. I heard later they had a good snorkel.


Rinsed off on the boat and had a rum drink while drying off and warming up (water temps were in low 70s). After the obligatory nap I went back and wandered the fort more extensively, checking out the “stalactites” more closely, climbing the spiral granite staircases that reminded me of European cathedral towers, gazing down galleries of arched brick, walking the slightly precarious roof while thinking how easily a frigate bird or barn swallow could startle me off balance into the moat below.


Later I had a nice visit with my three camping companions while we watched the sunset and got better acquainted. A rigid inflatable came in right at dusk with three guys from one of the anchored boats. After declining another meal (I had leftovers to consume), I ate dinner then tried some more night photos. These were disappointing as I’d forgotten to clean the lens after snorkeling.


Turned out the boaters were camping, and unfortunately they were the kind who feel their campsite must be lit up like a Walmart parking lot. They were talking in outside voices until pretty late, but fortunately not too close by. Knowing I’d need to strike camp in the morning, I turned in relatively early.

See all photos from Wednesday: https://flic.kr/s/aHBqjC4We2 and https://flic.kr/s/aHBqjC4XJY (snorkeling).


Thursday


Got up early to watch the sunrise with Shelley and Brett, then struck camp. The noisy campers cleared out early. After getting my stuff down to the dock and before the boat arrived, I snagged a shaded picnic table I’d spotted the previous day and laid claim to it as a place to hang out until departure time.


When the ferry arrived I went back into the fort to check out the gift shop and little museum. Bought some souvenirs then back outside to take a closer look at a large memorial stone in the fort’s parade ground. A poignant tale of a young doctor who succumbed to yellow fever, followed by his little son a few weeks later.

I picked up my last lunch from the ferry, sat at the picnic table watching the crabs and tourists, even took a little snooze before heading over to the boat at 1:45 to get a good seat for the return trip. Turned out all the returning campers came up with the same idea: in the shade on the stern deck. So we had a nice chat on the way back. I met Ken from Palm Harbor, down for a one-night test camp (and who had been bothered by the noisy bros the previous night). Chatted with some folks from Seattle and others from the Atlanta area—turned out they knew some of the same people my wife Nancy did.


The ride back was comfy and drowsy. Clear day and nearly calm. Various structures (nav towers and Sand Key light), lots of boats, the dark green shorelines of the Marquesas. As we arrived in Key West after 5, a cruise ship was just backing away from Mallory Square for the sunset celebration.

Unloading was quick and before long I was exchanging hugs and handshakes with my fellow campers. We headed our separate ways.


The 30 minute drive up to Ramrod Key was uneventful (other than the leftover soda that foamed over when I opened it while driving). The hotel clerk at Looe Key Resort was having an animated and mock-argumentative phone conversation with her boyfriend as she checked me in. On her recommendation I tried a place called Kiki’s Sandbar up the road for dinner and was not disappointed. Came back to the room for a delightful shower and fell into an equally delightful bed.

See all photos from Thursday


Leg 3: Middle Keys

Friday


I scheduled two nights post-campout for a wind down and because I wanted to spend a little time on Big Pine Key. After breakfast “downtown” I headed up to where there are some nice trails near the Blue Hole, an old quarry. An eclectic group was at the Blue Hole overlook, including one tye-dyed old hippie dude who’d gone to FSU in the 60s. There were needlefish and tarpon in the hole, washed in by a recent hurricane, someone said. A grebe was doing underwater swim-bys.


Drove from there to the end of No Name Key road, where there’s a good view off toward the bridges at Bahia Honda. The famous tethered blimp, Fat Albert, was visible to the west. Though it was a bit early for lunch, I stopped at the No Name Pub for a beer but it was too busy, so I went on to a nice little city park on the east side of the main key. Some kind of special olympics event was breaking up as I arrived, with groups of kids in bright uniform shirts heading for the buses in the parking lot. The park seemed newish or perhaps recently restored, with deep swales around the ballfields. Some nice views off the dock there.


I then drove up to the end of Spanish Harbor Key and clambered around getting some shots of the decomposing old Bahia Honda Bridge, thinking of Flagler and hurricanes and the crumbling concrete highway that was later built atop the bridge trusses. I also checked out another old quarry nearby, Horseshoe Beach, which definitely deserves a re-visit with snorkeling gear. Locals told me the vis wasn’t too hot that day, though.

Picked up lunch at a deli on Big Pine, then back to the hotel. Napped a bit and then looked for a good spot for sunset photos. I first went to a nice little park on the west side of Big Pine, but thankfully decided to bail on that and drive up to Bahia Honda State Park. I pulled up just before sunset so the ranger just waved me in.

Got some super shots of the sunset through the old bridge and had a nice chat with a couple there from Austria. Then it was another quick dinner at Kiki’s and back to the hotel—whose lot was overflowing with people listening to the loud band in the motel’s tiki bar, a final (minor) annoyance.

See all photos from Friday


Saturday

I got up early, loaded up on some Cuban coffee, gassed up the car and—eleven hours later—arrived back in Tallahassee.

Bonus!

Short video compilations for those who’ve made it this far. First, birds and other critters:


Last, various watery things:



January 26, 2025

Mastodons and Butterflies, Oh My!

Source: https://www.floridamemory.com/items/show/125627

I'd like to say I abandoned Twitter when that Nazi-adjacent asshole Musk bought it, but that would be making a virtue of apathy. I just grew bored with it a while back after a flurry of use 10 or so years ago. So it was easy enough to just cancel and delete those accounts.

With the recent Quisling Debut of the Zuck, I'm weaning myself off Facebook and trying out other media. Two services one hears about as Twitter alternatives are Bluesky and Mastodon. Different from Twitter and each other in significant ways, though the basic operation is about the same. Much has been written about them so I won't rehash that. Links to me in the About section if you're curious. I'm also experimenting with an app called OpenVibe that lets you read posts on both as well as crosspost, handy when you've got a foot in both camps.

Source: https://flickr.com/photos/jsclark/30289633491/

(A smaller network that looks interesting is TrustCafe. My profile is here.)

One thing I got a lot out of on Facebook was the various interest groups: local musicians, specific travel destinations, people who own the same kind of camper I have, hobbies, etc. These seem less easy to replicate on the platforms above. I've found a couple of Subreddits that might be good alternatives, so I'm exploring that.

I'm planning to return to this blog for longer-form posts that don't fit the other formats as well. And I've maintained my Flickr account for photos, rather than posting many to FB as had started to become a lazy habit. 

If you're reading this and have other suggestions, please let me know in the comments.

January 22, 2025

What's Old Is New Again

I'll be using this blog for non-fiction--either straight up essays or just writing that's a bit too wordy for a bluesky post. 

Currently seeing this outside my window:

Many more photos of our recent VERY unusual Tallahassee snowfall are on Simulacra, my photography site. Predicted low tonight is around 20F, which means all this partial snowmelt is going to turn back into black ice. Not a good night to be out on Tallahassee's roads given the widespread lack of snow/ice experience around these parts.

Though I was delighted to hear kids whooping and hollering when I went out this morning to take photos, and we saw several folks--not just kids--using improvised sleds on the hill out front. Sure, most of what we got was sleet, but it's a very rare Winter Wonderland here in the Big Bend.

July 05, 2018

Literati, Lyrics, and Langostinos at the Grand Finale

This was a favorite hangout of mine in Tallahassee in the early 1990s, when I had delusions/pretensions of being a short-story writer and was penning a column for the local paper. I spent many an evening downstairs in the restaurant eating and drinking with friends from the English Department and upstairs listening to fiction and poetry readings in the bar.


Joe Clark
Community Column #7
to run 5/26/92



Literati, Lyrics, and Langostinos at the Grand Finale


I have to admit it. Occasionally, something good can be found in the city. It ain't all out there in the sinkholes, or up in trees. Sometimes real things come to life amidst the asphalt and cinderblocks.
I'm talking about right down on the Tennessee Street Strip, that bar-bedecked place where in the evenings tipsy revelers stroll from juke to juke within inches of the humming traffic. Specifically, smack dab in the middle of a decaying block of buildings between Raven and Dewey. Halfway between the downstairs glitter-thump of Kahuna's and the espresso library of Yianni's.
             I'm talking The Grand Finale.
'Cept nobody I know calls it that. It's just Finale's--two floors of bar and restaurant that offers great food for the belly, ears, heart, and head. And no, I'm not related to the owner.
Best way to approach Finale's (and a lot of other things, too, for that matter) is from the rear. Park and lock it in the lot out back. Look for heavy wooden doors surrounded by tropical fish, like guards outside Neptune's favorite honky-tonk. On your way in you can dodge or give audience to a panhandler or two, depending on your wont (I'm an inveterate sucker for a lively tale of woe), and maybe hear the strains of a street saxophonist echoing from the parking garage under McDonald's. Think of these as appetizers.
The ground-floor restaurant is a dim, cool place, low-ceilinged and heavy-beamed. A tavern. A converted gold-mine. Slip into a casual booth and in no time at all a relaxed but quite efficient wait-person will arrive with menus. Maybe it'll be Susan, raiser of squirrels--or possibly Mike, who has been known to cram nine people into his Toyota van and head for the sinkholes at two a.m. on a moonlit January night.
The staff at Finale's make every effort to avoid conventional dress. No barber-striped franchise fernbar aprons or hokey bow ties here. Shorts and T-shirts seem to be the rule for men, while the women's attire makes Stevie Nicks look positively prosaic.
And the food. Ashby Stiff I ain't, but this is definitely five-burp fare, especially if you're a lover of things that swim, crawl, or slither under da sea. Seafood gumbo so spicy you'll cry for joy. Crayfish, oysters, shrimp--fresh off the boat and still kicking, for the most part. Ah, new potatoes with etoufee. . . well, enough of that. Be sure to thank Joey and Jim and the other guys back in the kitchen on your way out.
But don't leave yet! After a dessert of Haagen-Dazs or cheesecake, waddle past the TV set and head upstairs to Tennessee-Street level, where the music plays and ice-cold longnecks are dispensed with alacrity by LeeAnn, known to sport a low-brimmed hat and steal surreptitious glances at Final Jeopardy on the set behind the bar--or perhaps Mindy, who will flatter you by asking for an ID.
And then? It all depends on the night of the week. Maybe it'll be a crash-and-clang band with a name apparently bestowed by an aphasic magus. Or perchance you'll have arrived in the midst of wailing guitars and crying harmonicas, played by lean men who smoke cigarettes between chords: the Blue Monday Jam. It's different every night, and you can usually get a preview by cocking an ear towards the ceiling while feasting on sea-critters downstairs.
My favorite night--especially since I've become something of a half-baked hanger-on of the creative-writing crowd at FSU's English Department--is Tuesday. They call it Poetry Night, but you're just as likely to hear a selection from someone's novel-in-progress, or a wickedly witty short story. Both local and imported writers brave the lurid red stage-lights and occasional mike failures to strew their words across a lively and receptive audience that grows church-quiet during the readings. You may hear mildly erotic poetry. Tales of the absurd. Ripping yarns and thought-provoking meditations--and hardly a black beret in the place. Some writers read quietly, plainly, almost shyly--as if any taint of "performance" would profane the pure force of their eloquence. Others fairly bristle with anger, love, and/or humor. And never--well, almost never--a dull moment, though there are plenty of strange ones.
Beats network TV, though, don't it?
Tallahassee could use a dang sight more of this kind of thing. Any place could.
Go on. Give it a try. You never knew Tallahassee was so literate. Tonight, fiction writers Rob McGrogan and Paul Laffan belly up to the mike at 8 pm. Better get there early. And next Tuesday, poet Karen Janowsky rides the muse, along with a certain community columnist who shall remain, as always,

Joe Clark, an admitted crustaceophile and shameless self-promoter, who is a writer/editor and instructional project manager at FSU.


July 04, 2018

Lifestyles of the Rank and Feral

Another "community column" from 1992; the title of this blog post comes from a comic that was taped to my fridge at the time. Those summers with my girls are some of the best memories of my life, though I was often running ragged and almost constantly out of money. It was a bit like this:


Joe Clark

Community Column #10

to run 7/28/92






Part-time Dads strip away civilization's veneer

I'm not sure how Dan Quayle feels about me. That is, I'm a single parent this summer. Actually, I'm a single parent all year 'round, but I don't have the evidence with me unless school's out.

My daughters, ages 5 and 9, live with their mom in Pennsylvania nine months out of the year. They stay with me during the summer. It's a different twist on the usual alternate-weekends shared-parenting arrangement many people use, and it has both advantages and drawbacks. The latter is a doozy: I may not see my girls for months at a time. But on the plus side, I get an uninterrupted, industrial-strength dose of young'un just in time for beach season. And a chance to grow with my children through the day-to-day routine: drowsy cereal mornings, the angst of day-care and the frantic search for a supper we can all agree on, and chronically missed bedtimes at night.

I can't speak for the full-time single dads out there, but I know us part-timers have one driving goal for the custody period, whether it be weekend or quarter: DESTROY ALL VESTIGES OF SOCIALLY-ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. It's true. Consider the following list of rules for the part-time single dad:

1. BREAK DOWN STIFLING AESTHETIC PREJUDICES. Always dress the children in mismatched clothes. (It's not that we do it on purpose. I swear red and purple look OK to me. With green socks.)

2. DEFY ARBITRARY DICTATES ON FREQUENCY OF HAIR-BRUSHING. You remember how much it hurts, and how it lasts longer than third period. My youngest daughter, Laura--who opted for a pixie-cut just before summer started--has inexplicably acquired the nickname "Spike" at the day-care center.

3. REMAIN AMUSEDLY TOLERANT OF PUBLIC ACROBATICS. They look so cute swinging on the rails between the checkout counters at the grocery store. Let the carts stack up in the next lane. Those people obviously have no sense of humor.

4. EXPOSE THEM TO NON-TRADITIONAL LITERATURE. At last, someone who shares your love of coprophiliac limericks and flatulence jokes. And they retain things so well! There's no telling when they might decide to recite--perfectly--the one about the monkey and the corncob. Usually, in front of guests. And in a related gutter,

5. EXPAND THEIR SOUND-PRODUCTION REPERTOIRE. The bronx cheer is for sissies. They must learn to mimic the sound of escaping gas through at least two of the following methods: a) Palm-Under-the-Armpit, b) Lips Pressed Against the Forearm, and c) Air-Bubble in the Cheek. I'm proud to report that my girls have mastered all three, and have also learned to make disturbing noises with balloons.

6. INSTILL IN THEM A HEALTHY SENSE OF THE SUPERNATURAL. This comes down to me from my grandfather, who used to tell us that "Raw Head and Bloody Bones" lived in his kitchen cabinets--and would we fetch him a glass of water, please? Now my kids twitch and shudder whenever they pass the warm-air return in the hallway. Simply because they've heard "Herman" lives there. Yesterday Lindsay, my oldest, spent hours on her latest arts-and-crafts project: garlic necklaces for each of us.

7. INSPIRE CREATIVE PLAY. Look at all the wonderful things we can sculpt with Play-Dough! Did you ever suspect there were so many fire ants in such a small mound? And who says Barbie can't be a Terminator? "Ell be beck, Ken."

8. DEVELOP A CLOSE UNDERSTANDING OF NATURE. "What are those two dogs (cats/toads/birds/lovebugs) doing, Dad?" "Was that poison ivy, Dad?" "What do you mean, 'spider-bite', Dad?" "AAAAAAGH! A BEE!! KILL IT, DAD!!!"

9. EXPERIMENT WITH NUTRITION. Why dirty up forks when you can use your hands? Nobody's looking. Laura doesn't even need a spoon to eat applesauce. Best conditions for brainstorming: seven-o'clock at night, with empty stomachs, in the chips aisle.

10. DEVELOP MOTOR SKILLS. Jumping on the bed is good exercise. "Horsie" is a great opportunity for free chiropractic treatment, and certain to be demanded of everyone who stops by--if the kids are conditioned properly.

Our path toward these lofty goals is not an easy one. Our opportunities are limited by lengthy periods of apoplectic tickling, mesmerized movie-watching, and soft-voiced bedtime story reading. Our minds are distracted by the helpless trust of small arms surrounding our necks, the joyous shrieks and giggles emanating from a pillow-fight, and the curious way a small child gains twenty pounds and fifty degrees when she falls asleep on one's shoulder. We become lost in wonder at the flowering of personality, the amazingly accurate observations, the piercing questions--and for long moments at a time we contemplate the thought that if children such as these are to inherit the world, then perhaps there is hope after all.

And we are dumbfounded at our role in all this.

Yet we part-time single dads must not lose sight of our ultimate purpose. We must keep to the narrow path. Must not yield to distraction, for in a very short time--as it is for all parents--our influence will wane. The next time we meet they will have undergone months of civilizing influences, and many of our efforts will have been undone. They may not even remember half the lyrics to "Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts."
I'll have to get busy. I think tonight's lesson will be a tactical overview of dirt-clods, rubber bands, squirt guns, and water balloons.

Joe Clark's name will probably show up on a computer list soon. Meanwhile, he is a project manager with FSU's new Educational Services Program.

July 02, 2018

Toujours le Plongeur, Previsited

I've blogged about diving before, and even wrote a poem about it, but had almost forgotten about this first essay of mine on the subject, written when I was a Tallahassee Democrat "community columnist" in 1992. My mind's eye was mostly recalling a spookily grand dive in Emerald Sink, south of town. I don't think I could do a better job of evoking the experience today. The photos are from freshwater dives since 2012 or so, featuring my brother Paul and his son Liam.


Joe Clark
Community Column #6
to run 5/5/92






Sinkhole Diving's Not In Living Color


South of Tallahassee there are portholes into a universe of water that extends for horizontal miles under the piney woods, beneath A.M.E. churches and convenience stores, in some places swooping hundreds of feet underground and in others just under the sandy surface, below a thin ceiling of limestone. On summer nights when the crickets and cicadas pause to change sheet music it moves with an empty, gurgly sound that makes dogs whine and scratch at the floors of house-trailers.
I am not a daring man. I'm no athlete, no great outdoorsperson. I drive a very slow car. Heights frighten me. Darkness makes me whistle. And yet I am drawn here, to these sea-haunted mansions. . . .
On many an occasion I can be found in the company of like-minded individuals, staring into a sinkhole that rests like a blue-green gem among the live oaks. Our eyes follow the white limestone walls that curve outward underwater, a gigantic brandy snifter, into emerald depths. There are no shallows in most sinkholes. Two feet from shore the bottom may be a hundred feet down. Yet even then, it is sometimes visible from the surface.
I and my like-minded friends shrug ourselves into scuba backpacks, check straps, and open air valves. Black-clad, tentacled with hoses for pressure gauges and extra mouthpieces, hissing like bipedal locomotives stirring from some fantastic train-yard, we approach the water with the heavy creak of neoprene rubber and the dull clank of weight-belts against air tanks. One part Darth Vader, one part Alien, and three parts stuffed sausage. We move with care, for we are as unnaturally leaden and labored as beached whales.
But once in the water, all that changes. We bob at the surface for a few moments, pulling on fins and hawking into facemasks. Then, with an aggregate sigh from the exhaust valves of buoyancy-compensation vests, we leave the world of air behind.
As we descend, bottom features emerge from the bluish haze below like returning memories, and each time I drift downward I recall anew that dreams of flying are, in fact, dreams of swimming. Memories of swimming. Recollections of flotations past: a few months in the womb and then, further back, through countless eons of seaborne ancestry.
And so quickly it returns: in the element of water you can rise and sink merely through attentive breathing. You move about in the endless pause of a sinkhole's depths with leg-kicks as nebulous as those of sleeping dogs, turning and banking with the lightest of gestures. As though you might think yourself from place to place.
But you can't really go back to the ancestral home again. There is the constant need to monitor your depth and air supply. Speech is impossible; communication primitive. A careless flipper-stroke can stir up enough moondust silt to reduce visibility from hundreds of feet to mere inches. You are indeed an alien here, kept alive by wits and machinery. A tolerated tourist. A furtive worshipper.
The beam of your flashlight, swallowed by the airplane-hangar entrance to a side cavern, reveals nothing but a grainy darkness through which motes of debris move like dislodged stars. Thigh-sized catfish gape in perpetual surprise from rock ledges. Sound comes from everywhere at once: the regular hiss-and-bubble of your breathing; clouds of exhaled air rumbling toward the surface; moody, far-off hums and sighs and feathery whispers.
Your eyes take in riots of monochrome: white limestone dappled in welcome sunlight, black tree-trunks like the charred beams of a burned-out cathedral, and gray silt that blankets everything like entropy made tangible, like lurking death, above which your exhaust bubbles trail in plumes of metallic smoke toward a circle of leaves and sky overhead--a blue-green heaven above a charred world.
What business is this of yours? you must ask yourself. What miracle or madness has placed you here? Why doesn't your heart stop when you crouch sixty feet down in a rock-lined tube no bigger than the interior of a Toyota, watching your spent air bubbles cascade up the sloping roof like mercury? How will you bear to walk the land again, to feel gravity again, when you have flown, a mechanical manta, across a hall the size of a drowned sports arena?
Sometimes, at great depths, I remove the mouthpiece of my regulator and scream with terror and delight and superstitious awe, but there is only the sound of bubbles. Sometimes, back at the surface, I inflate my BC, lean back, and bob like a great, rubber otter, drinking in the sunshine and air as if for the first time, yet already planning my next return to the ashy depths. Sometimes I wonder if it is life or death that draws people into the drowned caverns.
Yet diving the haunted rooms of the aquifer's domain eases something within me. It generates relativity; reminds me of things I should remember. Gives me back my fins, if only for a half-hour or so at a time, and permits me to worship the One True, firsthand.

Joe Clark, who has begun to notice little gill-like structures forming on his neck, is a Writer/Editor for FSU.


July 01, 2018

Badass MF Still Alive

My sister Sarah recently posted this photo to Facebook and it reminded me of something I wrote for the Tallahassee Democrat when I was a "community columnist" during 1992. I dug up the original file and it's posted below. Seems to hold up well enough over 25 years later. ~JSC



Joe Clark
Community Column #16
to run 12/1/92

Zen and the Red-Clay Art of Tractor Maintenance

The dog had got hold of the tractor and the result was not pretty.
You'd think a chunky little mid-size Massey-Fergusen and a lean, mildly hyperactive retriever mix would be pretty evenly matched, but that tractor never had a chance.
Hinson (the dog) had gone directly for the jugular, ramming her muzzle up beneath the simple dashboard and dragging out the wiring harness to tug at it like a hyena worrying an antelope's tongue. Amazingly enough, the tractor kept running, but everything else -- lights, horn, gauges -- became tragically silent.
So there I was in a barn on an unseasonably muggy November afternoon in Recovery, Georgia, with the patient opened up and a tangle of dog-chewed wires in my hands, wondering what it is that persuades an animal to mix it up with machinery. And how those twelve volts must've tasted.
Fortunately, the wires were color-coded, so for the most part it was a matter of unwrapping the harness, taping over the bite-marks, and splicing things back together. But for a long time I just stared at the mass of disconnected, frayed ends, not knowing where to begin.
If Life's hyperactive dog has ever gotten its teeth into your wiring harness and gnawed at it some, you know just what I mean. You could just sit and stare for weeks. But after a while you start to see how some of the old connections were made, and maybe try to splice up a few. Over here, red/green goes to red/green, like so. And on this side, here's two more that go together. Clip, strip, crimp -- that easy.
Sort of like moving back to Tallahassee was for me a few years ago: at first just a tangled confusion that didn't much look like the place I'd left. Like something'd been chewing on it.
Then the connections started to appear. Family to family. Friend to friend. Like I was splicing up things that had been severed, or at least soundly gnawed, by time and distance. Clip, strip, crimp.
  
Within twenty minutes or so, I had nearly all the wires reconnected. Hinson watched from a safe distance, mouth open and smiling guilelessly.
Then I hit on a snag: four of the remaining wires were all the same color: red. I suddenly felt like James Bond at Fort Knox in Goldfinger. Which combination would work, and which would result in a cataclysmic tractor detonation? Here I consulted the wiring diagram, but it was no help. Only a schematic, it didn't show how the wires were actually routed. Just where they went.
What to do? You've made all the obvious connections, but you've still got loose ends -- all the lights ain't on yet. Neither your eyes nor the books tell you how to proceed. And you certainly can't put the thing back together this way.
I fell back on scientific method: eliminated the clearly wrong choices, then tried one combination. Eureka! The tail light glowed cherry red. No sparks flew. No whiffs of ozone or melting insulation. That was it -- educated guesswork and luck. Two crucial elements of tractor repair, and other things.
Only one unlinked pair remained. There was no way to test this one without reconnecting the battery and starting the engine. I pinched the ends together, reached for the ignition switch, and squeezed my eyes shut.
It was a leap of faith. In myself, in the universe, in something. Whatever. Faith, alright? Just try it, faith says, and it's OK if you need to shut your eyes while you do.

As the diesel churned to life the dog's eyes widened. I began to flip switches and scrutinize dials. Lights? OK. Gauges? Check. Horn? Beep! Hinson jumped up and bolted around the corner. Yes, dog, I smiled from the driver's seat. Your nemesis is alive and well.
  
Moral of story, children friends? Life's a tractor. Check the oil every now and then, keep your PTO clean, and for God's sake keep the dog out of the wiring harness.
But what gets us through isn't the happy sound of that horn or the swinging needles of any gauge.
No, not at all.
It's that moment just before you turn the key, that instant when you squeeze your eyes tight shut and your palms go a little wet. When you have absolutely no idea what will happen next.
And you reach out and turn the key anyway.

Joe Clark, whose nose was recently severed in a tragic wire-crimping mishap, apologizes profusely to Robert M. Pirsig.